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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.